DoppleFeast 2017: A Skit By Emilio Jasso (’11)

CHARACTERS:

  • WITCH: An old witch, bent and ugly.
  • Villager 1 (V1)
  • Villager 2 (V2)
  • Elder 1 (E1)
  • Elder 2 (E2)
  • NARRATOR

SCENE I

V1 and V2 are chatting amicably (silently) while the NARRATOR speaks.

 

NARRATOR:

A long, long time ago in a galaxy three T-Stops away, a happy little village was preparing for their annual feast of remembrance and funny smells

 

V1:

I can’t decide which I like more: the awesome harp melodies or the taste of roasted beef critter!

 

V2:

Tell me about it! I’m finally going to get to show off that sweet Pancake tattoo I got to get Feldmeier’s attention.

 

V1:

I thought it was going to be a sexy wallaby?

 

V2:

Please! Some of us have taste.

 

NARRATOR:

But as the happy villagers planned and schemed, an evil witch watched from afar.

 

Enter Witch, afar

 

WITCH:

Those fools who happy faces keep, forget my hate which runs so deep! They know not that I’ve a trick, to end their village double-quick! They’ve too long had a nice reprieve, and now I’ve something up my sleeve! <cackles administratively>

NARRATOR:

And the Witch was right! The village had fought her evil power for so long, striving to retain their autonomy, and so far had succeeded. But, unfortunately for them, the witch had discovered their achilles heel, the chink in their armor, their plantar fasciitis.

 

WITCH Jumps between V1 and V2

 

WITCH:

You degenerate and filthy punks! You look like death and smell like skunks!

 

V1:

We aren’t afraid of you, witch!

 

V2:

Yeah, we’re atheists!

 

V1:

Also, our village has tenure!

 

WITCH:

But so little tenure matters when your home is on a platter! Read and weep and feel depressed, and of my power be impressed!

 

WITCH produces a scroll and hands it to the villagers. V1 and V2 read it

 

V2:

What? You can’t cancel our celebration! You have nothing to do with it, anyway!

 

V1:

We’ve already made plans and invited all the village elders to climb out from under their rocks to come and hang out!

 

WITCH:

Looks as though you’re out of luck! I guess your party’s really <pause> in trouble! Now I’ve got to leave to conduct interviews. I’ve outsourced my job, but will stay employed, too! An assistant-to-witch I want to hire, for getting paid and not working is my one desire.

 

Exit WITCH

 

V1:

What do we do? This is a legally binding document and we are all law-abiding citizens who would never do anything even remotely mocking rules, regulations, or the established law of our country and/or precinct of residence!

 

V2:

I guess we have to tell the elders. They’ve already begun their wake-up from hibernation, so they’ll probably be cranky. Maybe we can take them some Centrum multivitamins and fiber supplements to help them feel better.

 

Exit V1 and V2

 

SCENE II

E1 and E2 are wiping the sleep from their eyes – they’ve been under their rocks for a long time. They are sleepy but angry.

 

NARRATOR:

But word traveled quickly in this realm. By word of mouth, by Messenger dash Pidgeon, and by Vape smoke signal, the Elders had already learned of the devious treachery performed by the Witch.

 

E1:

This is such horse hockey! I’ll tell you what I’m going to do: I don’t even know what a Russian is, but I’m going to invent the molotov cocktail just for this.

 

E2:

Hold your horses’ hockey, champ. We’ll deal with this the logical way. Let’s talk to the Villagers first. Maybe there’s a loophole.

 

E1:

Yeah, a hangman’s loophole.

 

Enter V1 and V2 with the WITCH’s paper

 

V1:

Hey elders. We’ve brought you bad news. Here. <hands over document>

 

V2:

We also brought you Vitamins and fiber.

 

Elders hand back the paperwork.

 

E2:

You can keep this piece of hogwash! We don’t need it. <pause> But I’ll take that fiber, thanks.

 

E1:

So there’s not really any way around it? The witch won’t listen to reason? She won’t meet you in the middle? Have you tried the butt?

 

V2:

She’s as immovable as a CP in line at Dunkin Donuts.

 

E2:

Well…what if the elders do it?

 

E1, V1, V2:

WHA-WHAT?

 

E2:

This just says you can’t host the traditional life-giving feast in the village and hosted by villagers. What if we have it somewhere else, and the Elders laid off the sauce for a little and did it themselves?

 

E1:

Do we have to lay off the sauce?

 

E2:

Well, I suppose not…

 

E1:

THEN I’M IN!

 

The four, E1, E2, V1, and V2 shake hands as the NARRATOR speaks before exiting

 

NARRATOR:

And so, from the burning log climbed the salamander. From the ashes rose a phoenix. From the dung heap came a flower. From the pustule came the…well, you get it. The elders began planning and soon, they had everything in place for a wonderful celebration.

 

SCENE III:

E1, E2, V1, and V2 are preparing to feast

 

V1:

This is really great! It’s not in the village, but it’s sure better than having generations-old traditions trampled upon and dropped through the outhouse hole.

 

V2:

Plus, we get to keep our autonomy and really stick it to the witch!

 

ENTER WITCH

 

E2:

Well, speak of the devil.

 

WITCH:

‘Devil’, you say, and right you may be, for I might get angry if it’s not all about me! <notices the feast> What are you doing, you people that stink? I made my point clear; it’s written in ink!

 

E2:

We’ve got our own feast, you lame-brain! You have no power here!

 

E1:

And since the memory is kept alive, I guess that means one more year without you crushing the village and turning its rubble into a statue of yourself.

 

V1:

Yeah, we won’t be reduced to just a line-item on your resume!

 

V2:

We’re more than just a sore on your back side – we’re a culture and a community! You can’t destroy us as easily as you destroy white wine and packs of percocet on Saturdays!

 

WITCH:

You may have sidestepped my recent attack, but just you wait, for I’ll soon be back! Tomorrow, the next day, and the day after that, for time immemorial until it’s old hat! I’ll keep up the pressure, I’ll fight you for keeps, I’ll haunt the nightmares when each of you sleeps! When you least expect it, your lives I’ll destroy. I want your small village devoid of all joy!

 

E1:

Oh yeah? Well hippity hoppity, get off of my property! Corn-cob her!

 

E1, E2, V1, V2 toss corncobs at the witch until she falls to the ground screaming

 

NARRATOR:

And all was right in the world…FOR NOW.

 

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